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Sunday, 19 October 2014

Go to sleep crying only to wake up crying and feeling dead inside. Just when I thought I was getting better, I'm back at square one again and I'm left asking myself when will this end. Wherever I go, whoever I'm with, whatever I do, I can't escape those thoughts that make me nauseous to the point I feel sick and want nothing more than to curl up and cry till I'm too weak and numb to think or feel. Sometimes on good days I think I do forget for a moment even though there's still that dull ache but days like these it feels like I only move backwards.

No words can describe how wronged I feel and with no proper way of explaining myself or making you hear me, I feel like I'm going crazy. You see me with a guy and straight away assume the worst. Am I now not allowed to have any male friends without you immediately assuming that I'm up to no good? You hear people tell you about how they see me leave with a different guy each night but haven't you given it any thought as to what kind of person I am right now or do you really not know me at all? 

I get that your friends are looking out for you when they tell you these things and that's admirable but the truth is, they don't know me like you do and neither is it fair for them to jump to these conclusions about me based on your side of the story. What about mine? What about my voice and my explanation? People see what they wanna see and hear what they wanna hear and as long as you're holding on to that presumption, you're always gonna find evidence even if it's not there. Just because you see some guy trying something, it becomes my fault? Why does it feel like everything I do is just wrong in your eyes even when I'm trying. Just from standing there next to a guy or when a random guy tries to do something at the precise second you walk by, you immediately label it as "never changing/never learning". How can you for a second even think I enjoy having some random drunkard grab me like that? And instead of helping me or thinking that, you say the most spiteful thing as if you think it won't affect me at all or as if you take pleasure in hurting me more. Don't you ever consider my feelings when you accuse me and so viciously at that? Do you not know how much it hurts when the one person you care for the most has so little faith in you, belittles and insults you like that? It makes me feel like I'm nothing to you and that you think you're entitled to trample all over my feelings. You see a friend who so happens to be a guy, walk me out and assume I'm going home with yet another one but it baffles me that you can even think I'm that kind of girl. Yes I'm not gonna feign innocence and I admit I don't have a pristine past and neither do you but the both of us aren't those people anymore and when I hear about the times you head out to club or see you talking to new girls, you don't see me battering your ego with accusations of you going back to your old ways so why don't I deserve that same faith. You know I'm not into meaningless one night stands or rebounds or intentionally fooling around with multiple parties and it's beyond insulting that you think that way of me. It's understandable to come to that conclusion in the heat of things but when you confront me and I try to explain, you don't bother to hear me out and in your silence, leave me to spend the whole day in excruciating paranoia and contemplation over qualms of whether I could have handled things better when it really shouldn't be so complicated and when you shouldn't be leaving someone hanging like that because there's nothing more cruel. I'm so confused because you behave like you don't care and then go on to pick a fight and then ignore me when I explain. At least stay. Stay and fight and talk it out with me even if it gets ugly. If you ask yourself what's the point, well I'll give you one. My feelings. Isn't that point enough? Or perhaps you don't care that your words have that much weight or that they can be so abrasive but isn't it human decency to at least make this as delicate on the other party as possible and is it really too much for me to ask for a proper explanation/conversation? Even when you were so cruel with your words I was surprised you could say those things, I never once reciprocated those vicious remarks.

I don't think you realise but all I ever talk to these friends about is you. When you see them walk me out, it's because I'm such a miserable sap that I guess they feel bad. It's a wonder nobody has shot me for talking so much about you but it's true. They sit with me and watch me cry and mope and apologise for being like this and indeed I do feel bad for dragging someone else into my problems and try in vain to cheer me up. But don't you realise that it hurts me when I see you with another girl? It hurts so bad sometimes I think it'd be better that the pain kills me instead of leaving me in it's destructive wake but fate isn't so kind.

Maybe it's because it's been a culmination of bad days and even now the first person I think of to share these things with is you but I can't and it's the most infuriating paradox. Maybe you'll never read this and maybe it's for the best you don't but I just can't keep it bottled up anymore. A part of me can't help but hope that you will though, and realise I'm not that same reckless girl or fooling around or doing things to spite you and since I can't possibly text you these things without getting that dreadful demoralising rejection only silence can evince, I'll put it in this void.