Saturday, 31 December 2016

My 2016 in a nutshell

Don't quite know how to start seeing as I've abandoned this space for a terribly long time and also taking into account that 2016 has been the single most emotionally and mentally trying of years. Of course I'm not going to attribute my string of misfortunes as a result of the banal changing in numbers at the end of every 365-366 day cycle but here is my 2016 in a nutshell anyways.

1) Graduation & Ennui

It's been a heady whirlwind of emotions from disbelief, elation, relief, confusion and a pang of regret that I bid farewell to my college days.

As with the end of every so-called "life changing" event, the dust eventually settles and we're left with a deafening silence in anticipation of what's to come. Being completely frank about this, I don't know. I've been questioning many convictions that I've held fast to. The general listlessness and restless energy that hasn't been going into anything particularly fulfilling or productive hasn't been a picnic to handle and admittedly, I spent the better part of the year worrying that I was and am never going to find anything I truly felt was meaningful. Realising however that this is a problem and seeing that it's one that many (not just millennials) face, I don't feel so ill at ease anymore because mistakes are inevitable, the future will come, we will all turn to dust eventually so might as well try to take things head on doing something than sitting around worrying sick about it.

2) Europe

Will talk about my trip in another post. To say that I've had...more comfortable, stress-free and easy holidays would be a severe understatement but for everything that happened there and whatever I managed to see and experience, I had an unforgettable time and though it really did test my patience, I learned more about myself than I could have possibly imagined. Can't wait to head back <3

3) Theft & Betrayal

While I've never liked to admit it, I've always been too sentimental and too willing to trust for my own good. It's my singularly worst and maybe best trait. I'm not trying to sit here and praise myself for it because as far as I've seen, being nice has done me much more harm than good. In August when I was trying to purchase my ticket to Amsterdam, my card bounced and I found out that someone had pretty much drained my account by making multiple purchases and transactions (online shopping and whatnot).

Naturally I was furious because having to pay for most of my Europe trip expenses myself and having painstakingly saved up for it, I was quite broke as it was. Reporting it to the bank and the police got me nowhere and I pretty much gave up on finding the culprit until very recently when a friend of mine told me his account was also close to emptied due to credit card fraud as well. He found out that it was one of my closest friends, for anonymity's sake let's call her A. The calls to PayPal were made, the evidence found and the confrontation had whereby A confessed to stealing from him as well as another one of her good friends although she lied about ever stealing from me.

Making my own calls to PayPal only confirmed that it was indeed A who had been stealing from me back in August and well, considering she was one of my closest friends, she was one of the first people I confided in. Pretending to be equally shocked and disgusted that someone could to that to me, she offered to track down the culprit, go to the police with me etc. etc. She played her part very well I must say. If anyone should get an oscar more than DiCaprio, it would probably be her and I'm sure the academy would be ringing her up any day now.

Stealing is one thing, stealing from your closest friends is another. I was ready to forgive her if I knew she was stealing for the sake of her family, to put food on the table etc. but the fact that she spent my friend's money on Ultra music tickets, the fact that she spent my money shopping and cabbing almost everyday and treating herself to luxuries I can't even bear to give myself, was unforgivable and abhorrent. I had known since year 2/3 of Uni that she would take money from my wallet and would frequently not pay me back for meals, cab etc. which I really didn't mind because I felt sorry for her. I thought she must have just been very desperate and knowing about her family background (which I'm not even sure may be true anymore) I decided that it was my duty as a friend. Needless to say, I was more disappointed than anything when I found out that this girl, who I've brought with me on family dinners, who I've let sleep in my bed, who I've opened my heart completely to, would betray me so readily and steal without remorse, without hesitation. It is not unlike the betrayal of finding out your boyfriend or girlfriend has been cheating on you because it is the same shock of realising you were wrong all along about someone you thought you knew. As I said, I thought I could forgive her if she genuinely had a problem or if she needed this money to feed her family but stealing to further her own social standing or appear to be like one of the many "influencers" is simply heinous and incredibly shallow.

While I can spend the next half an hour furiously typing about how wronged/hurt/disgusted/disappointed/angry I feel about the hypocrisy of it all, I'm just going to let it bleed into my next point.

4) Rumours

As sad as it is, there isn't a single person I know who has never been a victim of rumours or lies (be they malicious or not). With every rumour, it may be true, it may be partially true or it may be a complete falsehood (which most of the time it is). I found myself to be plagued with certain rather pernicious rumours and being not completely unfamiliar with these things, I simply let it slide because why let these things bother me when I alone know the truth? People like to gossip, add lies and little anecdotes because who doesn't want to seem clever? Mix the truth with the uncertainties so in the end you're left with something sensational that may seem true and more often than not, people are more than happy to lap it up as the truth because why not add some dramatic flair at the expense of someone else eh?

Everyone's made mistakes and nobody likes having their mistakes paraded in front of them. I too have made my fair share of mistakes and regrettably poor choices but I have nobody to answer to or account to but myself. Unfortunately after the aforementioned theft case, coupled with the fact that I felt like I was constantly forced to explain myself to people about things that were laughably untrue, I must admit my faith and trust in humanity was at rock bottom. The disillusionment in people was overwhelming.

While I myself was stumped for a prolonged period of time as to why I was letting such things affect me so, I realised it was because as much as I may try to convince myself of how much I have grown to severely dislike some people or society in general, my secret love and hope for them was the reason for my absolute disappointment and subsequent melancholy.

The feeling of groping through life without knowing who to trust (sometimes not even yourself) is crippling. Coupled with certain rather unfortunate things that happened earlier in the year, I confess that I let my despair carry me through the ensuing months.

5) Fin

Now, I'm not saying all these things because I wish to wallow or mope in this depressive state but because I don't think I've ever counted my blessings more collectively through my 23 years of life, than I did in this year alone. For one, I have never been more grateful for my family for the tireless support and advice. Even when I was proving difficult to take care of. My friends, who have shown me that I can't let one bad seed turn me hard or cynical because they know that will pain me more than anything. For my dog of course, for always obliging me with a hug whenever I need. And finally for everyone and everything that gave me such a hard time this year because without you, I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't have learned so much and yes I wouldn't have gotten a couple more wrinkles and sleepless nights this year but for what it's worth, I'm glad and I know eventually this will all make sense.

For anyone reading this, maybe this post didn't mean anything haha and well maybe it shouldn't. It's just another post on another blog by another girl. But if you've had a hard year too, if you've felt like giving up on things, just know that I fully empathise with you. Only a fool will truly believe that the turn of a year can help turn the tide because only you can help yourself but just know that you're not alone and no matter how bad things get and how shit some people may be, there is always good and there is always a way.

Happy 2017 and good riddance 2016! :)