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Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Musings

Hello :) Before I get depressing.... hahaha check out my angel wings <3


 Wish they were bigger though :(

Anyways the past week has been especially odd with strange highs and lows. That uncomfortable stage between moving on and holding on? It's like floating in an ebbing tide. You know some days when you actually start to feel sane again, start to feel normal and more yourself. But just one small thing can trigger a backslide. A crack. Seeing old screenshots or photos or hearing that person's name can be enough to tie your insides into a knot. Just opening my viber or Skype and seeing those old messages, seeing those photos and videos that I can't bare to delete. Fixing yourself is quite literally picking up the shards of your psyche and piecing them together again. A precarious and volatile period and at times I do feel like a ticking time bomb.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night anxious and scared and I remember the times he would hold me and soothe me back to sleep and stop me from shaking and now there's nothing except for unending darkness and emptiness and my own thoughts to haunt me. I'm terrified because at times I can't see an end to this feeling. An end to the nightmares that plague me every night and I'm unspeakably drained.

But with all things, everything comes to an end. Words that meant something then don't mean anything now. And as much as you can pine and wreck your brains and your heart and cry about how fast things change, how fast people move on and lose those feelings, the only constant in life is change.

Letting go is always the hardest thing to do. Your brain can tell you all it wants about how it is the right thing to do but the heart is not so easily persuaded. Love makes us all blind fools, stubborn and obsessive. Possessive and crazed. It's our socially accepted form of insanity and the heart wants what the heart wants.

The reason why it’s so hard to let go of someone is not just because you loved them that intensely but it was the sheer idea of them. The idea of someone who will be there at the end of a bad day no matter what. The notion of someone to spend the rest of your life with you. The dreams and promises you made together. That person embodies all the broken promises and hope of a new life and path. Plans to travel, see the world, make your mark together.

We all know better than to let our guards down. Especially when you’ve been heart broken before and you know just how much it hurts. When everyday is just a never ending cycle of pain and tears and over analysing and replaying everything till the days become an agonising blur. That crippling sense of pain that makes you nauseous and giddy at the same time. Constantly moving one step ahead and two steps back. I know two months + isn't exactly a long time but suffering can make time move so much slower.

I don't know if this is just one of those rare fleeting moments of enlightenment but I hope it lasts because for the past two days, I've been feeling a slight change. Perhaps it's attributed to the fact that I finally did something I've been meaning to for a while and for better or worse, I think it's gonna finally help me move on from this whole mess.

The thing is, once you've broken up, the possibility or rather probability of the other person seeing someone else is high and inevitable. Seeing your ex with someone new is never easy. I personally think it's excruciating. I know I've told myself countless of times to let go but learning to do that takes time. Sometimes I guess it's just me because when I love something/someone, I don't let go. I kept asking myself why I was taking so long to get over the whole thing. Why I was still affected by someone who didn't care anymore but that's the thing with feelings, you can't switch them off like a light. You can run from them. You can run far and for such a long time that maybe you can forget for a while but it always comes back to find you.

I tried everything to start feeling better. I tried going out with friends, I tried sleeping, concentrating on studying, everything and anything to just stop thinking, stop feeling for that moment but nothing can stop those thoughts that come to you at 4am and those are the ones that really haunt you. You can drive yourself up the wall wondering what the other person is doing, wondering whether he ever misses you or thinks about you the way you do, wondering what new girl he might be talking to and looking at old Facebook pictures or his new posts and feeling that intense pang when you see some other girl leave a flirtatious comment. Honestly I'm not a paranoid person but that's what love does to people.

Yes perhaps it really might just be one of those rare moments where I feel normal but I'm hoping it means I'm finally relearning how to love my own company. Taking long walks with Zeus and listening to my favourite tunes. I don't know why I hadn't done it more often before but it made me so happy I couldn't help smiling. Hahaha I know I must have looked a little crazy looking at the sky and smiling to myself while walking next to a behemoth but I didn't care when people stared because why the hell should I? Hahahah. It just felt so liberating and I never felt more free and alive. I know that sounds really odd haha maybe it was the warm breeze and the leaves and the music but it felt like I was finally coming out of that hazy period hahaha. I mean in hindsight, life is full of opportunities just waiting for you. There's so many things to see and do out there. I'll always be a hopeless romantic and I'll always believe in the one and fate but right now all I want to do is get back on my feet. And now that I've done what I can and all I can do is wait, I feel like a small weight has been lifted. Yes I still do feel lonely and scared a lot of the time especially now without my mum around haha (it's like life at home just falls apart without her or something: there literally hasn't been food in my fridge for..the week so I've been living off macs) but I know it'll get better and I know I used to tell myself that but now I'm starting to believe it.

I'm not gonna pretend I'm fine or that I have a good handle of my emotions because I don't think I'm at that stage yet but I'm gonna take up a new stance and hopefully if someone else reading this is going through the same thing, it'll help. So what if your ex starts seeing someone new. So what if they flirt with someone else and blatantly at that. So what if they don't love you anymore? It happens and so what. It doesn't matter. If they truly love you, they'll find their way back. And if there isn't love, you can't force it so just love yourself because what's there not to love. There is good in everybody and everyone deserves love including you. Nobody is perfect and you can always compare yourself with the new person your ex is seeing and make yourself feel miserable if that person is smarter, prettier, hotter, funnier, nicer than you but seriously, don't do that because it just makes you feel awful and inadequate and why should anyone have the right to make you feel that way? There is always gonna be someone better, prettier, funnier and you're never gonna be perfect but why would you want to be? It's imperfection that makes you unique. Your imperfection that makes you, you. Your exes have all fallen in love with you for a reason and I'm sure hoping for most, its because of your personality. So let that shine. Remember who you were before you got into that relationship. Remember all the things you love about yourself and be confident of that.

I know I've got a lot of quirks and imperfections but I am so done with mulling over unnecessary things that are out of my control to change and besides I love that I am a little odd and I know that when I find the one, he's gonna love that I'm a little odd too :') Right now I just want to let loose, let go of all this frustration and confusion and paranoia and heartache and just head bang to my favourite songs and dance and laugh like nobody is looking. I know this might sound cliche but nobody can help you get better but yourself. No matter how many people or who tells you all these things, if you don't come to that conclusion yourself, it won't matter.

I felt like I'd been in the darkest recesses of life for the past months and perhaps I never will recover completely but I'm done beating myself up over it and learning to let go slowly bit by bit. I'm not saying I'm over the entire thing because that's pretty far from the truth. I'm still really heartbroken of course but life goes on haha. You don't need someone to make you happy. So what if you guys had plans to go travel at the end of the year or spend new year's together. Make new plans. Make new friends. Make new relationships. It's in your hands at the end of the day. I'm slow but at least I'm finally believing it now and I know some day some time, hopefully soon, I can put this whole thing behind me.

xx
Qing