Wednesday, 5 November 2014

I know it's been a while, I know I should be feeling better by now but I can't. I'm so ashamed of it but I just can't.. No matter how much I try. I see him everywhere it's infuriating. In every new person I meet in every guy on the street and I feel so trapped and suffocated. Why am I like this. I never used to be this way and I wish I could go back to being that same girl who was so strong, independent and sure. So what if I come home from a night of work and fun with my friends. I just come home to the same old empty feeling and ask myself why am I doing this, what will I achieve? Closure? Finally moving on from a hopeless cause?

What do you do when everything you've believed to be true, turns out to be complete and utter bullshit. How do you continue to believe, to trust, to have faith. I never used to doubt myself. Sure, I didn't always know what I was doing but I trusted myself. These days it feels like I can't and I feel lost. Like I'm missing a huge chunk of myself and my life and without it, I'm just not sure of anything anymore. I used to believe in fate, love, the one. And I want to believe in that again. I do. But I thought I did find the one. I was so sure of it. I thought I knew it in my bones, in my gut, in my whole being. And look where that got me.

What I do know is that I will probably never stop loving him. Maybe not in the way I did. Maybe not in the way I do, but he will always be something to me. It doesn't matter if he doesn't reciprocate, if he doesn't care or if he doesn't feel the same or doesn't feel anything for me at all for that matter. It sucks of course that he doesn't care. It sucks and it hurts and has made me doubt everything about what I've held to be true but that's beyond my control. All I can do is to remember myself. Remember what I used to believe in before this. Remember what I still want to believe in. It doesn't matter even if this is a horrible mistake and I'm being overly-sentimental and I'm upset about someone who couldn't care less because that's just me. I am and will always be overly-sentimental and a hopeless romantic. It takes a lot for me to fall in love, but it takes a lot more for me to fall out of it. I didn't even know I was in love with him until it just hit me one day out of nowhere. It was in fact during one of those mundane moments during one of the most mundane activities. When we were studying together and I was having a terrible day because I had so many things on my mind I wanted to cry and I looked up at him sitting next to me, patient and strong and there, and I knew in my heart and he smiled maybe because he knew too or maybe because I creeped him out with my staring hahaha. I guess I'll never know. I can never go back to that time, that person, and things will never be the same but I believe that whatever it was, whatever we had, even if it was for that split second, it was real. I have to believe that it was real because the alternate is too much to bear. I will rather make him out to be the romantic hero than the cold cruel guy who won't even spare a minute to listen.

I know I can't change that part of me. If I love something, I will always hold on to it and it takes a hell lot for me to give up and let go. I can't just command myself to stop loving. I can't hate him or feel indifferent no matter how much I try and no matter what I tell myself and trust me, I've tried just about everything. I've tried hating him and yes perhaps sometimes I do succeed when I see him flirting with someone new but that hate always gives in to intense melancholy. That just isn't me. Even if I get so irreparably broken and even if this is insane. I guess I was wrong about him though. He wasn't the one after all. I thought I was so sure. That makes me scared because if you can't trust yourself, what are you left with? All I can hope for is that, when I do meet that certain someone, I'll know and this will seem like a sad abomination of the real thing. Yes it might be sappy and I know it doesn't make sense and I know these days I'm vacillating between this carefully constructed clarity and being hopelessly lost and jaded about everything but hope is a powerful emotion. Even if it's just a tiny spark. I will cling on to it. I will protect it and hide it in a little box locked away deep down so that I don't get hurt by just anybody ever again. I will not share it with anyone. I will not reveal it to anyone. Yes it is because I'm afraid of getting hurt but I don't see it as shutting people out. I just don't see a point in starting something that I know is going to end unless I do find that right person, with whom I will not hold anything back from. With whom, I will give my everything to. With whom I'll dare to be vulnerable again.

Perhaps there isn't just that ONE soulmate. Perhaps you meet multiple people in your life who give you glimpses of that real thing and perhaps they're all your soul mates, sent as reminders for you to hold out for that right person. To remind you of that ultimate happiness you'll one day find if you're lucky. That one person who is the sum of all these people. Life isn't complicated. What's complicated is people. People change and what might have been your soulmate at one point in time, just ceases to be and you part ways only to collide into someone else who might be that final one. After all, how can it be that the whole relationship was a sham. If you really loved someone so deeply at one point in time, it must have been something that represented something intangible.

I just want to stop feeling for once. I want to be numb and indifferent. I want to forget that I ever met him so I can save myself this inferno.


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