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Sunday, 10 August 2014

Drowning

You know that dull incessant ache that never fails to remind you of its existence every waking moment. I feel it in my head. In my heart. In my stomach. In my bones. In every step I take. It hurts. Food tastes like ash in my mouth. Every moment, every breath, every movement I make hurts.
Pain plagues me when I'm awake and nightmares haunt me when I sleep. Even then the only way to lull myself to sleep is to cry till I'm dry, tired and weak. Too weak to drag myself out of bed to do anything but stare at the ceiling or cry even more till it hurts my head. Constantly in tears to the point I can't even bother to hide it. What is the point. I wake up just to feel the pain all over again. My subconscious that won't give me a rest from thoughts of you, what could have happened, what should have been and replaying everything in my head over and over. I wish I could shut that voice up. I'm struggling to stay afloat but I can feel myself sinking. It's hard to find the one. But even harder to move on after losing that person. How do you start to pick up the pieces. Maybe I can't be fixed. Maybe I don't even want to try to fix myself. Because a part of me can't help holding on to that hope that things might still work out. But I'm self destructive. It's a sadomasochistic twist of fate that I'm addicted to the thing that hurts me most and I find myself slipping back even though I know it's gonna be my fatal downfall. I just want to be unconscious. Cliché but yes I would like to sleep and not wake up for a long long time. Or just tear my heart out because that can't hurt any more than it already does. How do you move on when you've lost the love of your life. That one true epic love. People say its only a break up. You'll get over it and get on with your life. But how? When you lose the very person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with. I just want escapism. Any form of it. Just please take this feeling away and take me away because I cannot live without my life. I cannot live without my soul. The universe has indeed turned into a mighty stranger and I don't want to be stranded in this abyss.

What a way to start the new semester. Waiting for sleep to come and offer me some peace. At least for a little while.